How my first unwanted one-night stand change my perspective on dating as a BBW

Love and Sex are synonymous but once again, when it comes to BBW a line of distinction has to be drawn simply because big women would rather be thought of as ‘taboo’ or ‘freaks’ or arranged into neat porn thumbnails. It gets tiring but not far from the truth.

For the greater part of my adult life, dating was a meticulous procedure of intensely whittling down even further the small list of men who had enough courage or a spirit of adventure to ask me out as their significant other. Like the steady hands of a surgeon, I literally counted with my fingers the pros and cons of dating this or that person, squinting hard for any red flags I may have missed especially the ones that say ‘I’m just here for the fetish of it’.

In this manner, I successfully (at least that’s what I thought) filtered out potential boyfriends. Some of the relationships resulting from this vetting system were quite meaningful, others, not so much but that’s okay. I finessed my craft over the years. The worst thing at the time a man could say to me was ‘casual sex’ - sirens went off in my head and I resisted such notions.

Then something happened, I had my first one night-stand. It didn’t set out to be that way. I had met a fine gentleman, who scored highly on my vetting system. We met for drinks and instantly connected, perhaps it was the bottle of wine but boy was he a pretty thing. After our rendezvous and like a true gentleman, he offered to take me home.  He climbed up my apartment, next to a panting me - I knew then we were going to have sex. I never had sex on first dates – and that night, was hands-down the best sex of my life!

He texted mid-afternoon the next day to say he was flying out to Chicago. ‘Well sure, as long as you come back’, I teased. He explained he had a family waiting for him, plus really he worked mostly in Europe. Wow. The call ended long before I dropped my phone and slammed into the couch, wow! My vetting system had failed terribly. After marinating in self-pity interspersed with bouts of anger, I finally made it off my couch and out the door.

It took days to process what had just happened. It wasn’t that big a deal. I convinced myself. Sure, I was upset he had kept his married status away from me, felt a little guilty about sleeping with someone else’s striking husband but if I narrated the events of the night to anyone, I would be exonerated. What then was I upset about?

I reluctantly faced my vetting system, looking for cracks and how to amend it. Perhaps no alcohol on the first date? As I thought things through it occurred to me ‘Wait, but I did have fun. I did enjoy the sex’ and that was my silver-lining! The more I contemplated this idea, the more interesting it became. I started to think that maybe I could enjoy a one-night stand after all. Perhaps it’s okay to meet an attractive man and share a night of intense mind-shattering orgasms with no strings attached.  Fancy that phrase on my tongue ‘no strings attached’.

I toyed with this idea for a while. I’m known to over think things and this was no exception. I shared my newfound obsession with a friend and she almost immediately whisked me off to a bar, 20 minutes away from where I lived. Usually it was packed with Instagram teens and testosterone but being a weekday, it was kinda quiet. Soft music streamed out of the bar as we entered. We talked for a bit, danced a little and just as I hoped, a man probably 35 or so walked up to me. He expressed interest and as the night passed, we found ourselves exiting an Uber in front of my apartment. To be honest, my heart skipped a little but I had come this far for a voluntary one-night stand…

It happened.

It happened again… and again.

And how liberating! For some reason I felt more comfortable with myself, my confidence grew during that period in my life. I realized most of my previous relationships were borne out of a need for attachment and validation, no matter how much I told myself the contrary. The unplanned experience of a one-night stand changed my approach completely to love and sex as a BBW.